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I shudder to think how difficult it must
be for a lesbian or gay person to ‘come out’. To break with the expectations of
family and friends; to reach the point of where self-awareness and acceptance
meet the uncomfortable imperative of truth. It must require extra-ordinary
courage to embrace that truth and risk the reaction of those we value. Indeed
it is so difficult that many learn ways of avoiding facing this moment. They
develop, at least for a while, a compartmentalised life, with two groups of
people – those they can trust and be open with, and those with whom the stakes
are too high, and the deception goes on. The fear of rejection is too great.
While I can only have a very limited
understanding of the depth of this challenge, I now felt that I faced some of
the same issues. I had now entered a new state of existence! I had become a
strange animal, part of a new peculiar species – the ‘Pro-gay Evangelical’!
Indeed, for all I knew, I might be only one – a freak or mutant of spiritual
evolution!
I knew that, for many of the people with
whom I had shared my Christian life thus far, the concept of a pro-gay
evangelical would be a contradiction in terms - an oxymoron – and as such I had
to face the fear of rejection if I was going to be honest with people about my
change of heart & mind.
The temptation would be to keep it to
myself, or if this was too much of a deception, to find a small select group of
people who I could confide in, swearing each of them to secrecy as I went. This
course of action was very appealing but could it possibly be right? Some, it
would be easy to tell – with others it would be very difficult indeed.
I am very blessed by my wife, Mel.
Despite the fact that she came from a Pentecostal background, and worshipped at
a large successful ‘Assemblies of God’ Church when we met, she had always been
streets ahead of me in this. She had managed to sidestep the issues I had
struggled with for years, by simply focussing on the character of God. She had
known for a long time that, irrespective of what the church might say, the God
who had made himself real to her would not condemn people for their sexuality of
for expressing that sexuality in mutual, faithful, self-giving love.
But what about others? I was well
thought of in the Diocese. I had been elected to General Synod (the Church of
England’s national parliament) by my fellow clergy and many of the people who
voted for me were traditional evangelicals. If I now ‘came out’, wouldn’t they
feel betrayed? And what about my congregation? The church in Brixton where I
was the Vicar was not particularly evangelical, but the vast majority of the
congregation were from Africa and the Caribbean, where traditional Christian
beliefs and values on sexuality were taken as read – how would they react?
The dilemma was a powerful one. Perhaps
I should keep quiet, at least until the end of my time on General Synod. I
could still work quietly to gently challenge people’s views (but not enough to
give away my own!) and I wouldn’t run the risk of losing friends, not to mention
the trust of colleagues & congregation.
On the other hand, to follow this
approach would be to contribute to the conspiracy of silence that I suspected
existed on this issue in some evangelical circles. My experience thus far as an
‘accepting’ evangelical, had brought me into contact with numbers of
evangelicals who would admit to me privately that, on a personal level, they
weren’t as ‘traditional’ as others expected them to be. I was always told this
‘in confidence’ with the clear implication that it was to go no further. I
wondered if there cold be other ‘pro-gay’ evangelicals out there, caught
up in this conspiracy of silence.
I began to look for others – where else
but on the internet – that vast and slightly subversive network where you can be
as public as you wish, or as anonymous as you like! It didn’t take me long to
discover that I was not alone.
The first group my search engine came up
with was EF - Evangelical Fellowship of Gay Lesbian & Bisexual Christians.
I sent off for their literature, and was delighted to find that this was not a
spoof or an ‘off the wall’ group of weirdo’s – just a fellowship, offering
support and friendship to homosexual evangelicals and their friends.
Through EF, I began to hear about ‘Courage’
whose own journey from being an evangelical ‘gay healing group’ to being a gay
support group is inspirational in its honesty and integrity. I also heard about
George Hopper’s story of his ‘Reluctant Journey’ as a Methodist lay preacher,
which in many ways paralleled my own experience.
These discoveries were heartening. I was
not alone - I was not some mutant freak - there were others!
But that did not solve my fundamental
dilemma – should I ‘come out’ as a pro-gay evangelical or should I keep
quiet?
As I thought and prayed about this, the
answer became blindingly clear.
While it was good to discover EF and
Courage, they were still predominantly gay & lesbian groups, for gay & lesbian
people. They had a vested interest in saying that it was ok to be homosexual
and a Christian. Furthermore, their pastoral focus on supporting and looking
after LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual and Transgendered) Christians who are more
vulnerable to attack and harm than I can ever imagine, meant that they could not
be as vocal as they would wish. I had to ask the question – where were the
heterosexual evangelicals ready to put their heads above the parapet to support
them? There were some courageous people like George Hopper, but all too few.
Most of us (if I was right) were still caught up in the conspiracy of silence
which salved our conscience but did little to challenge the perception that
evangelicals were 100% united behind a traditional view of homosexuality.
I knew I had to speak out. I knew I had
to do something – and as I prayed, I knew what I had to do.
The Church of England’s General Synod
meets 2 or 3 times each year. It is a group of over 500 people from around the
country elected by their dioceses. It includes all the Diocesan Bishops in
England, and many of the protagonists in the various church pressure groups.
All the speeches and contributions members make are recorded word for word and
published after each session. The next session was coming up shortly, and there
was to be a debate on human sexuality following the latest report from the House
of Bishops.
I realised that this was my opportunity
to go public, once and for all! This was my chance to ‘come out’ as a
pro-gay evangelical in a very public way. And there would be no going back! As
I prepared my speech, I did feel more than a little nervous. I knew that if it
was just about my journey it would be self indulgent, and that for it to have
any impact, there had to be a call within it for others Evangelicals like myself
to begin to speak more honestly.
The day of the debate came and Church
House in London was packed. The national press were there in the gallery and I
submitted my request to speak in the debate. I was nervous but ready.
What followed was one of the most
frustrating 2 hours of my life!
The Chair of each debate chooses who
will speak in the debate. They are supposed to ensure that a full spectrum of
opinion is represented in the debate, so my request to speak as a pro-gay
evangelical should have been a sure-fire certainty, as evangelicals were not
exactly queuing up to speak in favour of gay relationships.
The way the debate then works is this.
If you want to speak, you have to stand up at the end of each speech until you
are called by the Chair to give your speech. If you are not called, you can’t
speak – it’s as simple as that!
So for the next 2 hours I dutifully
stood up at the end of every speech, with a whole host of butterflies in my
stomach, wondering if this was the moment that I was going to go public! And
each time ... someone else was called to speak. This torture went on forever as
far as I was concerned until ... you guessed it – the debate came to an end –
there was no more time for speeches, and my opportunity was gone!
I remember vividly my feelings at the
end of the debate – disbelief – frustration – anger – disappointment –
dejection. I had built myself up to that moment, and now the moment had gone
without so much as a whimper! What was I going to do now?
I set off for the cloakrooms to collect
my stuff to go home for the night with all this turmoil still going round in my
head. As I walked in I saw my old Vice-Principal of the Evangelical College
where I trained for ministry – a very well respected traditional evangelical.
As I saw him, a strange determination rose within me. Having worked myself up
for that day, I decided that I was not going to let the day pass without telling
someone! So I let him have it – with both barrels! Predictably, he was
measured and gracious in his response to my outpouring, whilst firmly
disagreeing with my new found conviction, but the most important thing for me
was that I had done it – I had told someone!
The sense of liberation was immense! I
had broken out of the cage of silence and I felt free! All my fears about how
others would now see me just ebbed away, and I was left once again feeling a
sense of release. Again the words of Jesus came to mind, “You shall know the
Truth, and the Truth will set you free!”
The next day I decided that I wasn’t
going to let the speech I had prepared go to waste, and turned it into a letter
to the Church of England Newspaper. I knew that the chances of it being printed
were slim – lots of people would be writing in with something to say about the
issue – so why should they print mine?
To my amazement however, they did print
it! There was certainly no going back now
(to read the letter, click on this link
http://www.acceptingevangelicals.org/cofe%20newspaper.htm )
But the
reaction I got to the letter was very encouraging. Yes there were the
predictable responses from people appalled that an Evangelical could declare
himself to be ‘pro-gay’ but there were also the positive responses from other
Evangelicals. Some came in the newspaper in the following weeks – others came
directly to me, via emails, letters of phone calls.
One that I remember quite distinctly
was a phone call from Colin Craston, a retired evangelical leader from Bolton
where I grew up. I remembered that he lived just round the corner from the
Vicarage we lived in and that my father used to say that he was ‘big in General
Synod’! He was one of the evangelical leaders who first drew evangelicals
together for national conferences which eventually became NEAC (the National
Evangelical Anglican Council). He got hold of my phone number from somewhere
and rung me up, not to challenge or admonish me, but to encourage me and
subsequently he wrote to the newspaper supporting the approach I was taking.
Such responses were the start of the
road to the creation of Accepting Evangelicals. To create a place where
evangelical Christians can ‘come out’ - not as being gay or lesbian or
bi-sexual - but as evangelicals who have come to realise that it is possible to
be a Biblical Christian, committed to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and affirm or
accept loving faithful same-sex relationships between 2 people made in the image
of God.
It would be wrong of me to pretend that
all the responses were positive of course, or that there has been no
‘fall-out’. There are people with whom I am no longer in touch because of their
dismay and incredulity at my change of heart. But I have no regrets. Our
Christian faith has always encouraged people to speak out and tell of what God
has done and shown them. In Romans 10, Paul encourages his brothers and sisters
in Christ to do more than just believe, but to declare their faith as well.
“if you confess with your lips that
Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you
will be saved. For one believes
with the heart and so is justified, and one confesses with the mouth and so is
saved.” Romans 10:9&10
In the Christian faith, both believing
and speaking out go hand in hand. It is not easy to speak out sometimes, but it is
the right thing to do.
As I come to the end of this story, it
is my prayer that it will:
·
encourage
others to examine the Biblical evidence once more - with prayerful and open
hearts - and to listen to the experience of our homosexual brothers and sisters
in Christ.
·
give courage to evangelicals who have crossed the great divide to the point
where they can accept or affirm same-sex relationships to break the conspiracy
of silence which allows Evangelical spokesmen and women to say that Evangelical
Christians do not, and will not accept anything but the traditional conservative
view.
God Bless you and thank you for your
time and patience as you have read this tale – may God guide you in your
response and action.
Benny Hazlehurst
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